I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.
plan……
for tonight………….work out.(ugh) shower….read…journal. we’ll see if it all gets accomplished.
…………But apparently most people think I am.
I can take it, but at some point, I will break. Will you be to blame for that?
Can’t take getting blamed for other people’s problem.
Ready to leave this place. Ready to graduate. Ready to belong.
I’m going crazy….ugh. Joe’s face depicts how I feel. One test down…one to go. Have I studied yet? not a chance. Paper due on Sunday. I’ll be out of down all of those days. ugh. Life is brutal. But it’s totally okay. Because I WILL get caught up and I WILL pass me classes! I always do, thanks only to GOD becasue there is no way I should do as good as I do in college! But I think the real reason I am going crazy is because spring break is days away..but I still have to work work work until then. ugh….But then I get to go see TDWP!! holla!! Super excited! Maybe even Six flags?? heck yes!:) Then June 20th JB! hollla! haha anyways…yeah. I’m going crazy right now, but soon it will be over. I hope.:)
20/20
So…I’ve been thinking lately about how so many of us have changed since we have graduated college.
I would like to think that I have made it farther than most,and have done better things than some, and to an extent I have.
But I have been thinking about how much better I am than some of these people I went to highschool with, thinking that I’m going to have a better job, and better life, and thinking that they have just fallen off of the train. I have been thinking that I am better, and have accomplished more than many of my old school mates becasue I got out of Tulia, and have stayed true to who I am.
But I haven’t. At all.
I used to be SO in love with God. And it was so amazing. I prayed all the time…I loved worshiping, and everything. I had a much closer relationship with God than I thought I did. I miss it.
I have been looking at people I graduated with, thinking that they have messed up, when in all reality I am right there with them.
I judge them for going and drinking and getting drunk…and I do it sometimes too.(not exactly drunk..but close enough)
I judge them for living a life full of sin…and I do it ALL THE TIME.
I tried, for too long, putting myself above the others, thinking that I was better and had my crap together. But I’m not and I don’t. Not even close.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am not who I want to be. I’m not who I should be. I don’t even know who I am.
I am not loving…compassionate….friendly….anything like I used to be. and it scares me. I don’t know how to be her..”brandi”..anymore.
I know a lot of this could be fixed if I went to Church…but I haven’t gone in forever.
I feel like the fire for God that was once so strong is not almost extiguished. And it kills me to feel that way. I don’t want to feel that way.
I don’t know what to do…
School is horrible. I can’t concentrate…I only have 1&1/2 semesters left but I can’t seem to find the motivation.
I want to be more active in a lot of things. I don’t want to just go to school, work, then home. I want a LIFE.
I know I have a great boyfriend, and I love him very much. But I need more..not from him..he gives me everything I could ever hope for or need..but from myself..and my life.
I am stuck in a never ending circle, and I would love to get unstuck soon.
I’m too obsessed with these boys for my own good. They are so damn cute though! And I lava them! In other news, I’m acutally going to try to update this thing alot! I’m making great progress in this! Even though this is my first post.:) I might even update later today:):)
