I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.

20/20

So…I’ve been thinking lately about how so many of us have changed since we have graduated college.

I would like to think that I have made it farther than most,and have done better things than some, and to an extent I have.

But I have been thinking about how much better I am than some of these people I went to highschool with, thinking that I’m going to have a better job, and better life, and thinking that they have just fallen off of the train. I have been thinking that I am better, and have accomplished more than many of my old school mates becasue I got out of Tulia, and have stayed true to who I am.

But I haven’t. At all.

I used to be SO in love with God. And it was so amazing. I prayed all the time…I loved worshiping, and everything.  I had a much closer relationship with God than I thought I did. I miss it.

I have been looking at people I graduated with, thinking that they have messed up, when in all reality I am right there with them.

I judge them for going and drinking and getting drunk…and I do it sometimes too.(not exactly drunk..but close enough)

I judge them for living a life full of sin…and I do it ALL THE TIME.

I tried, for too long, putting myself above the others, thinking that I was better and had my crap together. But I’m not and I don’t. Not even close.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am not who I want to be. I’m not who I should be. I don’t even know who I am.

I am not loving…compassionate….friendly….anything like I used to be. and it scares me. I don’t know how to be her..”brandi”..anymore.

I know a lot of this could be fixed if I went to Church…but I haven’t gone in forever.

I feel like the fire for God that was once so strong is not almost extiguished. And it kills me to feel that way. I don’t want to feel that way.

I don’t know what to do…

School is horrible. I can’t concentrate…I only have 1&1/2 semesters left but I can’t seem to find the motivation.

I want to be more active in a lot of things. I don’t want to just go to school, work, then home. I want a LIFE.

I know I have a great boyfriend, and I love him very much. But I need more..not from him..he gives me everything I could ever hope for or need..but from myself..and my life.

I am stuck in a never ending circle, and I would love to get unstuck soon.